Jaded Emeralds
by CalgaryCowgirl
Summary: When a case brings up feelings from the past, Lennie Briscoe calls in a favor for his partner. Will she be able to help Mike deal? Constructive Criticism welcome.


Some days just suck. They suck to the point where you start to imagine nothing will make it better. Detective Mike Logan was having one of those days. A child was dead, and they had her parents dead to rights for it. Her parents for God's sake!

Mike sighed heavily, leaning back from his desk. Parents were supposed to make you feel safe, make you feel happy, not kill you. It was days like this one, Mike just felt like he wanted to crawl out of his skin and leave everything behind, just forget the world and all its troubles for a while.

"Go home Mikey." Looking up, Mike caught the solemn look on his partner's face. Lennie shot him a tight smile. "I'll finish up the paperwork. You get outta here."

Lennie amazed Mike sometimes. There were times when the man could be completely clueless and then, a second later, it was like the veteran detective could read minds. Mike nodded to his partner as he gathered up his things. "Thanks Lennie." Mike winced, hearing the quiet, beaten dog quality in his tone. It sounded pathetic even to him and just made him all the more eager to get out of there. Raising his eyes, he nodded to the captain before turning and almost running out the door.

Cragan watched Logan go, feeling concern for his young detective grow in his heart. Every detective had that one kind of case that got to them. For Mike; it was kids, and this last case, Cragan knew all too well, had been hell for him. "You think he's gonna be ok?"

Lennie nodded, reaching for the phone. "He will be. With a little help anyway."

"You calling Olivet?"

Shaking his head, Lennie quickly punched in a number. "Mikey will make that call himself when he's ready. For now, I've got someone a little less analytical in mind." Looking over his shoulder, Lennie shot Don a reassuring grin. "He'll be fine Don."

"If you say so Lennie. I'm taking your word for it."

"Well I'm giving it Don. He'll be fine." Turning back to the phone, Lennie smiled as he heard that voice come over the line. "Hey, it's me. Are you busy?"

* * *

The darkness of the apartment was a cold comfort. As Mike lay on his sofa, he felt the headache ease just a bit from the combination of the darkness and the aspirin he had just taken. Staring out the window, Mike almost welcomed the pain; it distracted him from the gruesome images floating through his head.

Getting up, Logan flipped on his turntable and slipped the needle into place, listening as the soothing strains of guitar filled his apartment. He watched the vinyl slowly spin as the music drifted past him, trying to relax.

_Bzzzzz..._

Wincing, Mike briefly wondered who the hell would be buzzing him at this hour of the evening. Sighing, he closed his eyes, figuring it was a mistake. Whoever it was would either buzz the right apartment or would get tired and leave.

_Bzzzzzz...Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..._

"Who the hell..." Storming over to the intercom, Mike shoved the talk button down. "What!"

"Mikey? It's Kerri. May I come up?"

In an instant, Mike felt the irritation at being disturbed melt away as he heard her soft brogue flow through the speaker. Pausing a moment, he sighed. "I don't know Ker. I'm not exactly the best company right now."

"Aye, Lennie told me you'd caught a tough one recently." Mike said nothing to this; hardly surprised his partner had called her. "Would you let me up Mike? Please?" For a brief instant, Mike considered telling her no, considered choosing to remain hidden in the dark of his apartment. Shaking his head at this, he pushed the button to let her up, flipping on the living room's lights with his other hand not wanting her to realize he had been sitting alone in the dark since he'd come home, though part of him knew it was futile. Kerri Connolly was better at reading Mike's mind than his partner, a trait he had occasionally cursed in the months he had known her.

A gentle rap at his door pulled Mike out of his reverie. He silently padded to the door, pausing to take a glance through the peep hole. He wasn't a cop for nothing.

The tiniest of smiles couldn't help but tug at the corner of his lip as he opened the door for the tall bartender. Dressed in brown boots, jeans, and a soft suede shirt, Lennie had obviously caught Kerri at work. Logan felt a strange warmth spreading through his chest, remembering that Kerri's pub didn't close until 2am most nights. Lennie had asked and Kerri had not hesitated. Had anyone ever done that for him before? Certainly Lennie and Cragan had, but had there ever been anyone outside of his precinct? He wasn't sure.

"I come bearing junk food and movies. Feel up to having a guest tonight?" She asked, wafting the scent of a large pepperoni pizza towards him from the box resting on her right palm.

His grin grew ever so slightly; a little flattered she had remembered his favourite kind of pizza. Moving aside, he welcomed his auburn headed friend into his simple apartment, watching her move to the kitchen, setting the pizza box down on the table and slipping a large bottle of soda into the fridge. It was interesting watching her, almost... comforting.

As he continued to watch, Mike started to feel off-balance. No one outside of the force had ever really cared about him like this, had ever come over to ensure he was ok. Mike found himself unsure of what to do, wishing he could feel the same surety he felt on the streets. This was hardly the first time a woman had ever been inside his place, but for some reason he was still unsettled.

"So... you gonna ask me what happened?"

Kerri seemed to think about it for a moment as she passed the detective a slice of the pizza on a paper towel. "No." She said simply. "You'll tell me when you're ready. And if not, well then, I'll just spend an evening eating junk and watching movies with a friend."

"I thought bartenders were supposed to make people talk about their problems."

Kerri grinned, a short laugh bursting from her lips as she turned and walked into the living room. "Bartenders make drinks Mikey. That's it. Making people talk is a job for cops and shrinks." Slipping the video into the player, she turned back to him. "Bartenders are just there to listen when the alcohol starts to get to a person and to call a cab for when they want to get home. Now sit." She said, hopping onto the couch. "This is supposed to be a really funny movie and I will never forgive you if you don't press play."

Rolling his eyes, Mike grabbed the remote and did as he was ordered. As the opening credits rolled, Mike grabbed the movie's cover, smirking at what he saw. Of course this was a funny movie, it was a hilarious movie. "You remembered." She shot him a confused look. "This is my favourite flick." Realization dawned on her.

She shrugged. "It's easy to remember little shit like that Mike. Movies, music, that kind of thing is easy for me to remember."

"You'd be surprised how many people forget." Mike muttered, just a bit bitterly. He felt her hand quickly give his shoulder a squeeze before both settled down to watch the film.

For the hour and a half Mike found himself smirking and chuckling along with the familiar jokes and one-liners of his favourite movie. Kerri was splitting her sides, having never had the time to see this film before and Mike felt strangely proud to have introduced it to her. The end of the movie came far too quickly for Mike as he realized it meant Kerri would be leaving him to sit in the dark again. The whole time she was here, Mike found the remnants of the case that had been haunting the shadows of his home had fled to the recesses of his mind.

It wasn't that he forgot about the child and her parents, but the memories didn't haunt him quite like they would have had he been left alone in the darkness. This might even be the first time he could sleep through the night after a shift like that. And Mike felt increasingly unwilling to let that go.

"You alright Mikey?"

"Yeah, Yeah I'm ok." Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Mike turned to her. "I guess you have to go now huh?" Once again, Mike winced slightly as he heard the depressed tone in his voice, but had no notion of how to stop it.

"Actually, I meant to ask you about that." Kerri turned, seeming almost nervous as she toyed with a ring she wore. "It's pretty late and honestly, the night is starting to get to me. I was hoping... and feel free to say no if that's what you want..."

"You want to stay the night?" asked Mike, cutting off her anxious rambling, a smile growing on his face as he watched her verbalize his thoughts. The astonishing psychic connection strikes again.

"If that's cool with you, yeah." She said, nodding slightly. "I can just crash on the couch for the night."

Suddenly, Mike felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. Glancing back at Kerri, Mike got up as if to go clean the now empty pizza box from his kitchen table. "So... what did Lennie tell you?"

"Nothing really." She replied, getting up and helping him clean. Seeming to sense his discomfort, she continued smoothly, not giving him a chance to reply. "He caught me at the pub and mentioned that you might be needing a distraction tonight."

Mike couldn't help the smirk crossing his lips. "A distraction huh?"

Shooting him a look, Kerri took a shot, popping him lightly in his shoulder. "Get that mind out of the gutter Logan. There's only enough room down here for one of us."

Laughing quietly, Mike shot his companion a look. "You know, technically that's assaulting a police officer." He said, reaching for a cloth to wipe his table down...

And was redirected when he discovered Kerri at the sink, wetting it down for him. "Oh please, first; it's your word against mine and second; you know you loved it." Wringing out the excess water, Kerri turned to him, her joking smile melting into a reassuring one. "Mikey, Lennie didn't ask me to stay the night with you, particularly not in the fashion you seem to be thinking. It has honestly been a long day and I was not looking forward to the subway ride back to my place." Moving to him, Kerri put a gentle hand on his arm and began guiding Mike out of the kitchen. "Now, you have had an even longer few days than I have. Go try and get some sleep, I'll finish cleaning up and get myself settled."

"Who are you, my mother?"

Another light punch to the shoulder. "Just do it. You need the sleep." Giving Mike a final push down the hall, Kerri returned to the table, wiping up the remnants of their dinner.

Rolling his eyes, Mike did as he was told, preferring not to tempt a clash of the titanic Irish tempers that would come if he chose to argue with her. With that, he padded down the hall towards his bedroom, leaving Kerri to clean up.

For the next twenty minutes, Kerri busied herself cleaning up, doing everything from taking out the near overflowing trash bag to wiping down the coffee table in the living room. Smiling as she finished, she tossed the rag into the air from the living room, cheering silently as the quiet sound of wet cloth hitting cold steel reached her ears. Slam dunk.

Smiling, Kerri glanced about the room. Mike's couch was comfortable enough; all she would really need was that old blanket he usually kept kicking around. Kerri frowned, not seeing it anywhere in the room. "Well it has been rather cold lately." She muttered to herself, making her way towards Mike's room, intending to simply slip quietly into the room, take the blanket and slip out. She hadn't heard a peep from the room in the last fifteen minutes or so and she intended to keep it that way.

As Kerri grasped the door's handle, she paused. Was that... a moan? Kerri was quite certain she heard his sheets rustling, like Mike was tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep. Taking great care to be as silent as she could, Kerri opened the door and slipped inside, closing the door just as silently behind her before turning to the bed... before her heart began to bleed.

Mike Logan, the tough-as-nails, hot tempered, Irish cop of the 27th precinct, was lying in his bed, writhing in the throes of what appeared to be a violent nightmare. It broke her heart to see the sweat beading down his forehead, the grimace of pain and fear on his face, the quiet pants and whimpers bursting from his lips. What on earth could be tormenting him like this?

No longer bothering with silence, Kerri's long legs ate up the distance between the door and the bed. Setting herself down beside him, Kerri tried desperately to wake him. "Mike! Mike, wake up! It's just a nightmare Mikey, now wake up!" she cried, grasping at his shoulders to try and keep him still. "Mikey, please, you're scaring me! Wake up!"

She should have known better, this was Mike Logan after all. It shouldn't have surprised her when he reached up and grabbed the collar of her shirt, pulling her face to his, effectively wedging her arms between their bodies in his disorientation and fear. She should have known he would lash out in his panic, it was how he coped.

She chose to stay silent, to not move, as Mike slowly became aware of his surroundings. His eyes flicked erratically about the room for a moment. "Kerri?" he muttered, finally focusing on her face. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed a blanket." She replied softly. "I was going to just sneak in and steal one from you, but then I couldn't just leave you like you were. You looked like you were having a horrible dream." Shifting slightly, Kerri reached up and gently brushed some sweat from his face, trailing her fingers down to softly cup his cheek. "You frightened me Mikey. You wouldn't wake up."

Mike closed his eyes, sighing in frustration. He had been hoping the nightmares would leave him be tonight. Just one night, he'd like to sleep peacefully. "I'm sorry I scared you Ker. Are you ok?"

He was surprised when she growled, pushing herself up and slapped his chest. "Damn it Mike, I'm fine. It's you I'm worried about." Glaring down at him, Mike couldn't help but spot the worry lurking in those dark blue eyes. "No, I know I said I wasn't going to make you talk about it, and I'm not Mikey. Not unless you want to. But..."

As Mike listened, he heard it, the almost imperceptible tremor in her voice. Kerri had really been well and truly terrified for him. Grimacing, he moved over, allowing her room to slide in beside him, curling up on her side, watching his profile. Once again, she didn't say a word, but even if he couldn't see her eyes, he knew she was hoping he would say something. And she wasn't about to give in.

"It was a little girl." Mike said, running a hand over his face in disgust, remembering the scene. "Mom smacked her around enough; she eventually started bleeding and fell unconscious. Mom then decided to leave her there to die." He heard the soft intake of breath, sensed her shock. "We eventually found out the little girl's Dad was no prize either. And her son was getting his ass kicked probably just as badly. It was just this vicious cycle."

Turning to his face to her, Mike felt his spine stiffening as it had when he had told this to Briscoe. "My dad would come home at the end of the day and smack my mom around. Mom would then come and find me to return the favour." Mike growled softly to himself, going back to staring at the ceiling. "And when I saw the look in that Bitch's eyes this week, I knew. I knew what she had been doing to her kids. Ma would get the same look in her eye when she was gunnin for me." He jaw tightened as he remembered the hell hat ad been his childhood, Parental abuse being only part of it. "The same Goddamn nasty cycle, over and over again." He muttered.

And was surprised to feel Kerri scoot over and wind her arms around his torso in a gentle hug. "Kerri, I'm ok." He said, balking a little. "I'm over this. It's done."

"I know." She replied, so softly, Mike had to strain to hear her. "I know you don't need this. But I do."

"What are you talking about Kerri?" Mike was confused as hell now, even as he felt his arms curling around her frame.

"You're my friend Mike." She answered, nestling her head into the hollow of his shoulder. "And this is the first time I've ever heard about this. You've hinted at it, but I was never sure." Looking up at him, Mike watched her eyes glisten in the dim light from the window. "I need to cry for this Mike. I need to cry in sorrow for the little girl in your case, for her brother, and for the little boy you used to be. The little boy who never felt safe, who never felt at home."

Lowering her head back to his shoulder, Kerri took a moment to wipe her eyes. "But I'm also crying a few happy tears. Tears of joy over that little boy being out of that horrific situation, of happiness that your little girl got the justice she deserved, and a damn lot of pride for how you turned out." Mike felt her arms tightening slightly around him, and as they did, he felt the same strange warmth spreading through his chest as he had earlier. How long had it been since he had gotten a hug like this? Hell, how long had it been since someone had told him they were proud of him?

"Hey... you mind if I just sleep in here tonight?" she asked hesitantly. "I don't think I could go back to the couch now. I think I'd probably start having nightmares to."

Mike started up a bit at that. "Why would you have nightmares?"

He watched the wince flicker over Kerri's face before her eyes met his. "Let's just say I know a little bit about what you and that little girl went through." She replied quietly, her eyes begging him not to press the matter tonight.

Mike heard the clock tick out the seconds as they held each other's eyes. Two scarred people in a black and twisted world. Both of them had risen up from the blackest pits of this hell people called life, each of them missing a little piece of themselves in the fight to get out. Finally nodding, Mike pulled a corner of the blankets out from under Kerri's body and threw them over her, allowing her room to curl up a bit closer. Maybe together they could hold their terrors at bay.

Maybe together, they could find peace.


End file.
